My Maybe Baby

A week ago today I told everyone my news, upon an egg...

(the word pysanka comes from the very pysaty, "to write")

Even as I sketched the mystery of my 4th child with beeswax by candlelight, 

I wondered why I was writing so many tears.

A week ago today we constructed a tee pee with the children in the living room;

A sacred place to tell our marvellous tale.

A week ago today I wrote a parable for the children, 

to unveil the gift of their new baby brother or sister.

In this tent a week ago they received the happy news.

It was beyond beautiful.

Today I find myself, the storyteller, caught in a story slipping sideways,

facing perhaps the end of this wonderful tale barely begun, maybe already over.

I do not know.

There is evidence and faith and surrender and concern in both directions,

since Wednesday revealed blood 

and the grim prognosis of my doctor.

I still do not know.

But I am a woman of Story.

There is meaning woven everywhere into my life.

And so I have already re-written the tale,

with its surprise ending.

The surprise ending that might happen, or might not.

I wrote it for myself and it is already healing me.

I wrote it for every mother... 

especially for the friends who gathered around me Thursday to share

their stories of their maybe-babies.

For now, my 3 children are still living in last Saturday's tale of joy and excitement.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I will share with you my new tale.

Until then,

I cradle the possibility of this life...